Falling Apart

I'm falling apart,

I'm going insane.

My mind is a mess,

My world is crashing.

I want to live,

I want to die.

I want to laugh,

I want to cry.

I don't know what 

I want and what I don't.

I'm making mistakes,

I'm screwing up.

I know what to do,

But can't seem to do it.

I'm fucking around, and 

Being fucked around.

I'm getting weaker,

Where I should be stronger.

I know my weaknesses, and

I'm making them weaker.

I'm beyond making excuses,

I've used them all.

What can I do,

What else is there?

I've done so much, and 

Learned so little.

What more can I say,

What more should I say?

I'm falling apart,

I'm going insane.

My mind is a mess, and 

My world is crashing.

At 15, I had lived a troubled home life, finally found my first boyfriend, had sex, turned down the road of smoking, drinking and drugs and quickly sped down the road to hell. The first boyfriend I was in a relationship with turned out to be the eye-opener who certainly showed me another side to life. A story in itself, I will save that for another day, but coming out of that I went wild. Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll, and all that happens in between. At this point, writing this, I had spent the summer running all over town, with anyone who wanted to "have a good time" and my mind was having a hard time handling it all. What did I do? I let myself keep falling of course...

Dad

Your family by blood,

Your bottle by choice.

Choosing your weaknesses

Over your strengths.

You show your pain

Instead of your happiness.

Leaving us to swim in 

Your pool of emotions.

Leaving us to drown in

Your pool of emotions.

Your family by blood,

Your bottle by choice.

From very early on, I knew that my dad had a problem with drinking. I knew that he became someone else, an angry presence in the home. As I grew older, I was 14 when I wrote this, I began to see him more clearly, I began to understand alcohol and its effects on the family and children. I was very angry with him, and soon, his anger was directed towards me as well. 

Confused Convictions

I don't know what to do anymore.

I just want to curl up in a ball and die.

I want to drift off into a dark and peaceful place.

I don't want to feel any more tears or pain!

I am going insane!

I don't understand what I am doing or why.

No one is ever satisfied with me.

I don't know why I can't have a happy life, all I seem to feel is pain.

It seems like nobody understands me, 

No one seems to care.

Day by day the end to my pain looks more and more promising.

I want to go somewhere free of all the pain I feel here.

What did I do to deserve this?

I was never a "bad girl", I tried to do my best.

But, my best was never good enough!

I open my mouth and I get yelled at!

They don't care about me, it's as though I were put here to be their scapegoat.

I'm going to go insane!

The insanity of life is simply astonishing.

It seems like nobody can be truly happy.

Something is standing in everyone's way.

Some can overcome their pain, but it's so hard!

I don't know where to begin...

Some people turn to a "God".

Their "God" is going to "bring them happiness", an "end to all of their pain."

But, each day it gets worse, their troubles grow as they

Try to live up to their "God's" standards. 

Pretty soon, they are confused.

They're living their life according to a book!

Their actions are judged by a book!

Have they no faith in a human being?!

Must they turn to a supernatural being to run their life?

It is so sad to see what some people will believe.

It's actually so hard to believe!

People so sad and confused turning to something so pointless to "heal" them.

I guess, it's to each his own.

This is only a piece of the whole, the rest a little too personal, and a little too immature; I wrote this when I was 14 years old. I was coming to the realizations of just how "different" I perceived myself to be than my family. I felt unaccepted everywhere I turned, and most strongly at home. My parents were quite strict, some of which I can now totally identify with as I am now a mother myself, and I constantly felt smothered. Much of my reaction to the organized religion, especially that which had seemed to have taken over my mom back then, I admittedly still feel. I choose to identify myself as a spiritual person, an energy that is one with my source, and while my feelings are certainly not quite as raw and personal as they were back then, I do still find myself loudly questioning certain belief systems... I find it so sad that in those days, I truly felt isolated from the world. Of course I had "friends" and family surrounding me, but I was totally disconnected from reality in so many ways. I simply didn't have the foundation beneath me I suppose, or as a part of me feels, there was much more to MY story than I have ever even realized. I was so angry at my parents; Dad was the alcoholic and Mom, a story I will have to come back to, but back then, she turned to a new Church and it was something I was not prepared to deal with as I was forced weekly to accompany her. More than anything, I imagine the anger I felt at religion, was more due to the fact that my mom was changing, trying to better herself, and I couldn't understand it. I didn't know that when people come to a crossroads in their lives, they ultimately look anywhere and everywhere to find the answers they so desperately seek.

Growing Lonely

I'm with someone else, yet I am all alone.

Someone is talking to me, but I don't hear a word.

Their presence isn't fulfilling because they don't seem to care.

They are talking to me, but don't seem to care who's listening.

It's not me they're really with.

It's not me they're really talking to.

They're wishing I was someone else, and

I am wishing I was somewhere else.

I wish I was with someone who loved me,

Somewhere I could be happy,

Without a worry in the back of my mind.

Somewhere that I could live life to it's fullest,

Where I could be cheerful,

Where there is no dark side to life.

I wish I could be somewhere that had only my friends, people who care about me, and I about them.

That somewhere is yet to be found, so I remain with people that still leave me feeling alone, with people that don't understand or accept me. 

I wrote this in 1992, when I was 13/14 years old. Growing up, I always felt very alone. I never had many friends, especially close girlfriends, something that hasn't changed much over the years. I never felt special and free, the way many do as children. I always felt a darkness one step behind me, as though it was chasing me. The people I turned to, not typically of the sort to really, truly care about my feelings, I always felt let down. At this point, while I wasn't happy and truly living, I was still innocent in many ways. I was yet to walk down the crazy path that took over my life for many years. I didn't realize that I alone had the power to make the changes I so desperately longed for.